[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Friday, April 22nd, 2005|
God it's been a while since I wrote in this I guess livejournal isn't as popular as Myspace and Xanga. Anyway David and I are now never to be...last wed he was going to try and get me back, but something happen he meet Allen. I suppose at this moment you can call Allen and I just friends that at this moment date we dont want to be a relationship until we get to know each other a little better, I've know Allen for a little over a month and he really is a great guy and even better he's my age. Yes finely over years and years of being with guys that were 3 to 4 years older then me I finely get a some what mature 16 year old in my life. We've hung out alot these past few weeks and I just saw him today like 3 times. One time at 4:30 in the morning then at 10am and then again some where around 1pm. Yeah he kept coming over to see me just to talk and hold me in his arms. I'm not sure how you can get so close to someone and only know them for a month or so, but I'm not complaining at all. Though I most be truthful he's not David and I have to sooner or later realize I wont be getting another David its either Allen or its him and well I've already made that decision now I have to work though it and some how I will, I'm going to try my hardest to keep Allen and not run from him like I always do. There's a lot of change in the air and I'm ready to start a new beginning and maybe someday have a happy ever after. (or at least close to it) but thats a long way away. One step at a time. :-> Current Mood: content
|Sunday, January 23rd, 2005|
|Without a doubt...
Well I began a fight online with the girl my ex cheated on me with and I just pretty much ended it today, it was getting to childish for me to handle and the last thing I need is showing my age...yeah 16 year old girl who doesn't always act like it shouldn't start now. Well at least I've been told I act older then my age and I hope it true and if it is I will not put it to shame because I'm pissed and to tell you the truth I pissed about something that has already happen and I can't change it...and I hate her and he's the one that started it all he kissed her she didn't, yet I feel like I want to hate her more. I dont know and I wish not to think about it anymore.
Now what I should mention is that Kevin and Hilary are talking again which makes me so happy...I really am happy that he's trying to be happy and get her back. No need to be with a girl that thinks of your best friend more then you and deep down you know your thinking of someone else too. Kevins a great guy, but even if I thought about him and I together for a real relationship I just, I cant. I think no! I believe that Hilary and him are really meant to be and if their not that should be.
Ha, I've never said anything about my parents in this thing, not once...well if you care to know. When their not around each other they mention how nice it is not being around each other...19 years they've been together and the best times they have being married to each other is when they dont see each other. What a great life to live, when they are together they complain about every little thing each other does...so my mother treats my father like a child and my father trys to work with her in the middle of her thinking he's treating her like a child. My father is never happy with anything that happens around the house and we all (meaning all 5 of us) stay in are rooms and either play games online or chat online or do work online...trying our damnedest to stay away from those two. My mother made a comment to my step sister a few days ago "he makes me so miserable, dont be surprised if he moves out soon or later." The funny thing about this is I'm not even surprised she said that. Current Mood: indescribable
|Wednesday, January 12th, 2005|
|What is and what should be...but that's okay
Well maybe life isn't as bad as some say it is, or it really is bad and Gods just being really nice to me cause of the past few weeks. Whatever it is I know that its pretty good. I'm really not sure why I'm happy...what the hell of course I do. I hope that its a good happy, the right one. I've gone throw enough already.
Anyway theres a dance this Saturday and I'm to go and meet this guy my friends have told me about. So ither a somebody figures out what he wants or I'll be still looking, which I rather not be doing. I just wanna be a takin girl for someone to care about thats all I ask, I just don't wanna be treated wrong. I know who I'd like to be with the most, its just wrong timing and I understand that outta anyone. Maybe someday a guy as good as him will truly come and put me in his arms as he did not to long ago.
"My life, my love, Oh who could it be, if not you, then I'll look for eternity...or die alone." Current Mood: hopeful
|Saturday, January 8th, 2005|
Whether I forget, forgive and move one I'm not sure I'll ever be able to handle the fact that I was in a relationship that feel apart not only because of him, but because of me as well...I need to stop talking about it, it doesn't make the matter any better just worse and I miss the feeling I use to have when I was happy with him...oh do I miss that feeling.
I'm just trying to figure out whats been going these passed few weeks. Have I already found what I want or simply hiding from what I haven't found. I'm not sure guess I wont been for a while, and I don't believe I'm gonna really try all that much. Well christmas is today for my family I went to Ohio did their Christmas now its ours and it seems to be lasting forever. I guess I better get out there and help some people. Until the next day.
"...I will pay no mind to the eyes for they have lost their way...and me oh my am I to say, that my eyes, are the same as yesterday." Current Mood: restless
|Wednesday, January 5th, 2005|
I've been going insane lately...happy one moment thinking of Kevin and how are friendship has become...all the better now, I can really talk to him... except about David, it's hard. I love him and moving on is harder when you feel like you can't let go or you don't feel that you've been let go yet. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to talk to him again the way I use to or even be friends with him once more...I was thinking after a few years once he gets his head together and realize's what he wants in life we may try again, just not now...because he simply doesn't understand what a commitment is, he's to afraid of it and I can't have that. Then again he may never figure it out and that is why I'm still at the move on problem... friends? I don't know...not for a while at least.
I'm not to crazy about Hilary's lately they always get the better of you... Current Mood: confused
|Sunday, January 2nd, 2005|
|Day of sorrow, yet... joy
Today around 2AM I was told by a close friend that my boyfriend has indeed been cheatin on me...or at least the nite before...he did...Church today I told my (ex) boyfriend that we were throw around 10:30 11AM and even though I said he'd never have another chance with me, I also said that I forgive him for what he did...I was calm, which shock the hell out off me...I should feel that this day is filled with sorrow and be crying my eyes out...but I'm not, maybe it hasn't hit me yet, of the fact that my first love treated me with such disrespect...and used me...All I know is that I feel fine...I miss his e-mails and his voice and being able to hold him or kiss his lips, but beside that I feel like I haven't lost anything...I know sooner or later I'll see it...David was my first love, my world...but I also need to realize he's not anymore.
I'm gonna be okay, I can feel it. Yeah its gonna be hard, but I will love again someday...and when I do it'll be with the right man this time... "Real love is forever.If theres any error its not real. Its not forever." Current Mood: calm
|Thursday, December 30th, 2004|
|What's there to say...
I got home yestorday around 5 and didn't really feel like writing...Boyfriend came over for a while to talk to my father...that was interesting, found out some bad news, but I don't really feel like telling the world at the moment. I'm still sick from that damn sore throat...oh well. Just waiting for this week to end can't wait till Sunday. (you wouldn't understand why so why bother to explan) Guess this Journal entry really suckz, well my life seems to suck too right now so what the hell, my writing might as well do the same. Don't worry about me I'm just fine... Current Mood: crappy
|Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004|
|Still haven't slept yet...
I was planning on writing a little later then this, but since I can't sleep and even if I wanted to I can't cause I'm doing my brothers packing and mine. He also had more clothes dirty then clean...so...you can only guess what I'm doing at 1:31am in the morning. Well its not to bad I can sleep in the car...I mean I have nothing better to do. I learned a few things to day about my boyfriend he's got a few cool people that he talks to and others not as much anyway...he's probably not gonna be real happy with me talking to people on his AIM, and Honestly I didn't talk to her first she IMed me I just went a long with it. I don't even know who she is really...he might though.
What I'm thinking right now...Well I took some meds for the whole sore throat thing and I'm hoping that its not a long illness...last thing I need is to feel anymore worse about this trip then I already do. The only good thing out of going to Ohio is I get to see my few cuzs that I like and my sisters and older brother. Well Mary my oldest sister wont be there, but thats not much of a surprise lately. She's not been acting herself for a while kind of distant if you tell me and thats just not Mary...the twins will be there Natalie and Vanessa and Chip my older brother...then of course Sarah and Dominic...not really sure if Bjs coming or not...Vanessa told me he might, but I don't know. If you don't know who I'm talking about Bjs Vanessa's boyfriend and like a brother to me. Yeah well the people I'm not looking forward to seeing is my Uncle Dale, my Grandmother, Aunt Robin and Ashly (Ashly's my cuz the one I'm not really crazy about). Uncle Dale hasn't spoken to me since I was at least 7 or 8 and I'd have to say it was my fault, but when I look back at it I was still just 7 or 8...My father told me of Dales other wifes (hehehe) and well...he kind of had like 4 or 5 of them in short time...now he's been with this women for a while and I don't even really know her name...but when I was in Ohio around 7 or 8 years old I said right out loud is this your 4 or 5 marriage. He didn't really like that and mostly because it was in front of his (he) new wife...anyway he's kept it in for years and well has always tried to get me in some kind of trouble for some reason...never does work, but it is funny to see him try. My grandmother well she's just from years ago and thinks life should be the same as it was in the late 30s...thats just not gonna happen...and another is, she hates jews and my mothers side is jewish (yeah). Robin is the same way as my grandmother, she hates my mother she thinks she better then anybody in the world, oh yeah and if Ashly isn't perfect at one thing then no one is...Ashly gets this, Ashly gets that...with my aunt its all about Ashly. Last one is Ashly, 6 years ago I walked in to her...hmm play room with all her toys, not the one with all the animals or the one with the big screen TV with all the dvds and video games, just the one with the board games and etc...toys just lots and lots of toys. She decide that she didn't want anyone in the room, but Dominic so with out warning when I open the door she throw something at my head. At the time I was 11 and I just turned around and walked away...Of course I went to my aunt and told her and she said "well, you know she has a disability and she cant handle her actions sometime so, you must have had a good reason for getting hit...oh by the way she also gets along with boys better then girls." with a big smile on her face. I turned around and said..."okay" and walked away...some people are so...werid. Lets hope this trip involves me in my room reading...:-> what a life that would be.
Wow I really went on in this one...sry for it being so long. Current Mood: sleepy
|Tuesday, December 21st, 2004|
I was able to see my boyfriend today before I leave Laurel to Ohio tomorrow. Sarah (my stepsister) and I are really not looking forward to this trip I for one have just received a sore thoat in the matter of 2 hours past...I'm still working on packing I've been pretty slow at it and even more now that I was able to hold David for only a few mins. I just can't stand the fact I wont be here at christmas time. I'm planning on finding a gift for him while I'm in Ohio and also work on this song for church in the middle of studying for drivers ed and current issues...hmm some Christmas. Oh yeah and also read two books for English...forgot that one...
Anyway about today really...I didn't think we could have pulled it off so well with all my bad luck coming out these past few weeks, but we did Rick and David arrived at my house almost an hour and a half after my parents had left to take Sarah shopping and Cindy (the dog) to the kennel...then pick dinner up and back to the house. Doesn't seem like a lot, but with my parents...well lets just put it this way they left at 4:30 and didn't return tell 8:08. David and Rick were gone an hour before they returned...but it only gets better. When Rick and David left a few mins later I got a call by David saying while they were driving off to his mothers house they were stopped and asked why they were parked by the rode. David explained the whole story about how my parents dont really like him and how he was just seeing me. The cop I'm guess was a pretty cool guy cause David told me that he had gone through that himself and understood and that was it and let them go...Thats like the F-ing coolest...its about time I got away with something:-> Anyway thats it for today. When I get the chance in Ohio I'll write again. Current Mood: blah